The Half-Christian

'I'm Not Who I Was' is a song by Brandon Heath. I had heard the song many times before, and today it really hit me when I caught myself praying as I was looking over some old videos, that I'm not who I was.

So, I have to ask you, are you who you were? Whomever that may have been, are you the same person you were before God came into your life? If not, then why do you hang on to the baggage from your past? All the hurt, all the pain, all the hate and anger...if that isn't you, then why is it still part of you, now?

I have to admit, I'm not Christian. Don't take that as a denial of my Faith...finish reading and you'll see where I'm going with this. I fail completely in what it means to be Christian. I would love to be able to say that I have an open heart to all people, that I don't judge, that I don't hold grudges, that I'd walk miles and miles to save the masses, but honestly, I wouldn't. For me to say that I'm Christian, would be a lie and Christians aren't supposed to lie.

I will say that I believe in God, I believe that Jesus died for our sins and that one day He will come back for His children. I don't know that I would be one of them, I just know that I'd like to be, but to achieve that, I'd have to stop hating the people I hate, forgive and ask forgiveness, let go of those that have abused me, abused my trust and betrayed the One I love.

In saying that, I just realized that if I don't do any of that, then I'm placing my Faith, my Life, my Obedience in the hands of everyone other than God. Sure, God can wash away my sins, but I'll never know it unless I allow Him in my life 'above all others'...all other people, all other things, all other feelings (good or bad).

I've heard people (and myself) say, 'I will never forgive' followed by a person or what that person did to them (remember, I've done it as well). Why won't we forgive? Are we afraid of the initial fallout of saying those words or of embracing forgiveness? How is it that we can so easily say, 'I'm Christian', but can't easily back it up by saying, 'The past is the past, I forgive you, will you forgive me?'. It shouldn't matter how great the wrongdoing, because nothing can be greater than God's healing hand.

God can wash away our sins and He will heal all the pain, scripture not only tells us this, but God shows us this in every good thing we see, but none of that will be apparent to us until we just let go of what's literally eating at our soul.

How often we each have looked at the people in our lives that upset or disappoint us and we point out their flaws and make statements like, 'I can't believe they did that', 'I would never say such things'...but yet, we make no move to stop long enough and realize that person might need you to be the one to step in and show them how God has Graced your life, so that they might feel comfortable enough to embrace his Grace as well.

With God, fear is not an option, anger, judgement and hate aren't either. The list is endless, you know this, because we are all guilty of partaking of this list and living for every piece of it, instead of doing the one and only thing God has ever really asked of us and that is to Give it to God.

Let God deal with it...you fear rejection and remember the hurt, you've given in to the anger and frustration, so now surrender it all to the Lord, wholeheartedly and see what happens. Do you really think you'll be worse off for doing it?

I know, for myself, I'm tired of living a half life, being a half Christian. Whatever message God has for you, I hope you get it soon, because I'd rather walk this road with you, instead of ahead of you.